New Federal Reserve Programs Announced

The faltering economy has caused The Federal Reserve Bank and the U.S. Treasury to enact new programs aimed at getting the credit markets liquefied and the flow of capital moving to the American consumer.  Summarized below are these bold new initiatives, which come after an escalation in fears the economy may be slumping deeper into recession.

TURD -- Troubled Undies Relief/Disposal

"When Treasury Secretary Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Bernanke related in our closed door session how dire the crisis was, we all just crapped our pants. We knew we had to act to mitigate the potential damage," said Senator Christopher Dodd of Connecticut, Chairman of the House Banking Committee. "Being in my position, I really don't believe I should be washing my own drawers, and, as a member of Congress, I've learned that it's the taxpayers job to clean up our shit anyway," explained Representative Frank of Massachusetts.

FART -- Fraudulent Asset Redistribution Tactic

"The economy is facing a silent but deadly threat" stated Bernanke. Behind the scenes, credit is drying up thereby threatening the stability of the financial system, he warned. Secretary Paulson explained how he conceived of the new program: "You learn pretty young that, when you've created a big stink, the best approach is to feign surprise and disgust, shift the blame to someone else, and exit the scene before anyone can identify you as the culprit. The FART program utilizes this time tested technique to shift the responsibility for, and cost of, a mountain of fraudulent debt onto the gullible citizen. It's truly ingenious. And the best part is, by the time the air clears and folks figure out what they are stuck with, I'll be outta here!"

BDSM --Backroom Deals, Smoke and Mirrors

Paulson summarized the plan, "The financial system is suffering from a lack of confidence and the policies of the Treasury and Federal Reserve have been addressing this directly by creating many layers of convoluted and completely opaque interventions in which large sums of taxpayer money vanish without a trace."  "That'll teach you to be bad. You didn't trust Daddy?" he added.

The BDSM also includes the Keynesian imperatives believed by many of the nation's top economists to be critical to recovery. "We are going to strap on a huge stimulus package and force it into the economy. Giving the slowing economy a good push from the rear will generate some forward momentum," claimed the Economic Advisory Team of the newly elected President.

Asked how long he thought it would take for the BDSM program to provide relief for the economy, Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein replied, "I'm not sure if we are done raping the system quite yet. We haven't heard the safeword from the lowly taxpayer. But no one should feel singled out. We are committed to diversity and inclusion. We'll screw anyone for a buck."

The Fed expressed optimism that the new programs will jump start the economy. "The TURD and FART are are closely related and go right to the source of the problem," stated incoming Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner, adding further, "The BDSM program shows that we are not going to hesitate to use all of the tools at our disposal to resolve this crisis."